Insecurity

 Dear Readers,

Have you ever felt insecure at any point of time?

You must be laughing at my question thinking isn't feeling insecure the most common thing! Well it is.

As a child my biggest insecurity was my gender. I always wanted to be a boy, I despised the fact that God has made me a girl. My thoughts started from the day when my father bought a bicycle for my younger brother - the cycle which I wanted to ride! When I asked my parents why I was never given a cycle, their reply was you are a girl, you are delicate, what if while cycling you fall and get bruises or if major injury happens!

From that day I started noticing this issue - the issue of being a "girl". Several times I had heard my relatives telling my parents - "Thank God you have been blessed with a son, else who would have looked after you in your old age or who would have carried forward your family!" 

As a child I kept on exploring this zone and asked myself several times what is the thing which is lacking in me by default and what can I do to get the admiration or validation from the society which a boy gets by default - right after his birth.

As I grew up, my perception kept on changing. Coming from middle class society, I found since the man earns, he gets the service. The woman is by default the housekeeper and the service provider. I thought probably the earning power makes the guys more powerful. So I studied damn hard, so hard that I became the first one from our generation ( both boys & girls) in our family to crack Engineering exam at the first attempt and get admitted to a Govt. Engineering college. 

My mother was super happy and proud more than anybody else. I thought now I might be considered at par with a boy. But I was so wrong. I will get back to this point after the para below.

Then I went to study MBA. As an MBA student I was insecure of the fact I couldn't crack IIM. But that insecurity perished when I cracked International Case Master. It is an international case study writing competition conducted by IIMA. The day I was presenting my case study infront of so many students ( who participated in that competition across the globe) that day I told myself - I might not be an IIM graduate but I am better than them in some way!

I still remember the day when I had called up my parents to tell them my last MBA exam was over and now I won't have to study any more in this life. The very next day my Mom called me up to let me know that my matrimony profile was created! I was dumbstruck. I asked her - "Why?" Her answer was simple - "You are a girl, you need to get married at the right time. With age it will become difficult for us to find right partner for you, as options will decrease."

That day I was very angry with them. When I look back I laugh at my younger self. Now as a parent I do understand the need to help children get settled at the right age. But thankfully my Mom searched the "right" partner for me in true sense of the term. I got someone who plays an equal role in the marriage. My Mom like most of the women of her generation, never got equal partnership. So from the very begining of my "groom search" she made clear that the guy's profile has to be equal to mine - that's the start of an equal partnership, I believe.

Anyways, back to the topic of my insecurity. Even after getting an education and a pay cheque at par with guys or may be better than many of the guys, I was still the "girl" in the marriage where my father did "Kanya daan" - which means I was sent off to my in-laws place.  That day I genuinely cried. Now I know why do girls cry on the day of their marriages. This is because every Indian girl irrespective of their caste, creed and profession gets adopted completely by another set of parents who were nowhere in their growing up phase, and whom the girl is supposed to take care of more than her own parents at their old age. Tell me, is it possible? 

Of course it is possible. That's what women are doing for generation after generation.

 When my maternal grandmother died, her last rites was done by my maternal uncle. My mom was not allowed to do "Mukhagni" - placing the fire over dead body. I was shocked. I asked myself - the labour pain that my granny went through was equal for both my uncle and my mom, why my mom was deprived of such ritual. The answer was simple - She is a 'girl'.

Anyways, because of our job location, both me and my husband do not reside at anybody's parents' place - we have our own home where both our parents visit us occassionally. But still some of my relatives sometimes would ask me - When will I change my surname? 

Even though I give cliche responses like - it's time consuming to change surname and nowadays nobody changes surname etc. But my real reason is my birth and death certificate should have the same name - I do not want to change something which God has given me. Also, my "adopted parents" didn't stay awake or sacrificed their sleep for making me who I am. So why should I let myself be adopted to my foster family!!! Also, I do want to carry forward my family name. Need I say more?!

The biggest insecurity of my life - "my gender" actually vanished when I gave birth to my daughter. Now I know for sure that instead of being ashamed of my gender, I should have embraced my feminity. I regret for trying to dress up like a boy, trying to avoid skirts and frock in my teenage days. I used to be a Tom boy in my childhood days. I was trying to hide the fact that I was a girl.

Now I know the power of being a girl. Being a woman is so powerful - you can create life,carry it inside you and at the same time you can excel in your career or work or whatever field you are in. 

My maternal grandmother - Jyostna Rani Kumar, was an excellent cook. She never worked outside her home. I am still in awe how well she could manage the house kitchen along with her children and her grandchildren.

My paternal grandmother - Nirmala Dandapat was an inspiring woman. Because of her guidance my father and my uncles are successful in their profession. Whenever I try to tell inspiring stories to my daughter I quote her example. She was a visionary. Coming from a village with no background of education, she produced generations of engineers and doctors.

Now I know for sure I shouldn't be insecure of being a woman. It's the other way round! It's the insecurity of the society which has made the women feel insecure of their gender, for generations! 

Insecurity comes from the fact, I guess, if you do not know yourself well. Once you know what you know and what you don't know the insecurity vanishes. There will be one thousand reasons for you to feel insecure. But what's that 'one thing' you are secured about, or what's that one thing you can do better than most of the lot? 

Let me know!

With love,

Twisa Dandapat